PARENT TO PARENT: OUR KIDS and the SCHOOLS

By: Susan Hess
Date: March 2006

This Tip Sheet is for parents of children with mental health problems. It includes suggestions and practical advice for helping your child get the services or supports he or she needs.

For all children, school is their social and business environment.

For kids with mental health challenges, however, it is within the school environment that they often come up against serious or significant frustrations and lack of understanding. Often our youth are categorized as "the behaviour problem...the bad kid...the lazy one."
Children’s mental health is not well understood by most of the population. It is not surprising, therefore, that many (not all, but many) school personnel do not understand.

For both parents and youth, dealing with school personnel who do not understand the issue is daunting.

It takes consistent and persistent reminders to the school staff (principals and teachers alike), that our child / youth's behaviours are symptoms of an underlying cause, which might happen to be a mental health problem, and that our kids’ behaviours are the result of this underlying cause.

BE AWARE [a good rule of thumb]
If your child is in a "behaviour modification" program and his/her behaviour does not improve after an eight to twelve week period, then the cause of the behaviour is more deeply rooted.

It is important to continue to work at discovering the "root cause" underlying this behaviour, to put in place the appropriate supports and help for your youngster.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

1. Keep a journal
• This journal is to help you keep personal records so you can have informed discussions with the school personnel.
• In this journal, document your child's behaviours, what happens prior to the behaviour, what happens afterward, in as much detail as possible, to have the basis for good discussions.
• Also, in this journal, document every meeting: date, time, location, who is present, the reason for the meeting, the discussion, requests (yours and theirs), expectations, decisions/outcomes, next steps.
• In the quiet of your own space, review your notes, add further comments or list questions you want to ask next time.
  
  Note: you may want to keep a separate journal to record your emotions and feelings. This will keep your emotions separate from the documentation you need to support your child. Having a record of how you felt may also be useful when you are writing letters or briefing notes to describe your child.
  
2. Create a partnership with the school personnel and especially your child's teacher.
• Initially connect with your teacher on a daily or every other day basis to develop a better understanding of your child. (I called every morning after my daughter left for school.) Share with the teacher your child's mood as she left for school, what influenced this mood, how she was the night before etc. This prepares the teacher for what to expect that morning and how she can help your child through the day.
• Encourage the teacher to be in contact with you around BOTH the "good " and the "difficult" every day.
• Encourage the teacher and all school personnel who have contact with your child, to look at what went on before your child's particular behaviour problem, to discover the "root cause." Keeping daily contact with the school will also help them to see the whole picture.
• Share openly with your child's teacher that which is pertinent to your child's development and learning at school, e.g. outside test results, Doctor's reports etc.
  
3. BE CAREFUL with the words you use.
• Be gently assertive NOT combative. Speak from your point of view: start sentences with “I feel,” or “The way I see this is…”
• Start with the positive; then zero in on what you see as the difficulty.
  
4. Be willing to work with the teacher at finding the best solution that will have meaning for your child.
• Know your child’s needs, and your expectations.
• Be able to identify two or three of your child's critical needs.
• Practise clearly stating these needs. Write them down if necessary.
• Have a list of suggestions that have worked at home or would have meaning for your child and offer these as possible solutions.
• Be willing to work with the teacher / other school personnel to have your child's needs met.
• State your expectations. Ask for outcomes. Record everything.
  
  Note: A "need' is not a program. A program is the "plan" that helps the "need" be met. Be sure that the "program " suggested by the school will be the right "plan" to meet your child's need.
  
5. Suspensions
• If your child is suspended, be sure that you receive a letter from the school stating the specifics of the suspension so that you have a record.
• If there are three or more suspensions documented, as a parent you have the right to call a meeting with the school personnel.
• At this meeting have a list of alternative consequences that would have meaning for your child that could be used instead of suspensions.
  
  Note: this is not an argument for the "right" or the "responsibility " to not discipline our kids in school. Discipline is different from punishment. Discipline includes teaching, improvement, and correction. Our kids need to be accountable for their actions in a way that has meaning for them, (this is the important piece), so that positive change will occur.
  
6. Meetings
   • If you call the meeting, create an agenda and lead the meeting.
   • Be prepared - bring your journal, your records, suspension letters etc.
   • Bring your child's picture and place it at the head of the table, so that everyone in the meeting will be aware of whom this meeting is about.
   • Always bring at least one person with you to the meeting for support. Be sure that this person has a role to play in the meeting, e.g. child psychiatrist, social worker, to be able to clearly explain your child's needs
   • Ask many questions.
   • Do not be afraid to ask for clarifications.
   • Ask permission to record the meetings, so that you can transcribe them for your records. Be sure though that you ask permission to do this first.
   • Remember to record everything in your journal.

REMEMBER … DO NOT GIVE UP!
Trust your intuition. If you have concerns about your child's behaviours in school, keep advocating for your child until you are satisfied that your child is receiving the help that he or she needs in school.

There is nothing to be ashamed of if your child has a mental health problem. Continue to speak clearly for your child, and gather a group of "champions" around you who can also be a part of your voice.

Remember… you are your child's best advocate

About Susan Hess

Susan Hess is a speaker, mother, widow, and award-winning volunteer, Susan Hess has the ability to move audiences to both laughter and tears with stories of children and their families who have faced the challenge of mental health problems in children.

Volunteer President of Parents for Children’s Mental Health, Susan is available to speak to groups of all types about the impact of children’s mental health problems on the children and their families.

For more information: www.parentsforchildrensmentalhealth.org

Revised: October 06